Here is a disclaimer before I even begin writing: I have not been sleeping well for the past two nights, and it is finally catching up with me. I have actually been feeling a lot better and my depression has improved, but right now I feel fairly awful and obsessive-compulsive and like I have developed ADD and a number of other mental disorders in one day (this is a feeling that I get from time to time).
Anyway, I feel totally guilty and paranoid and angry with myself. And I cannot stop thinking about karate. I have not done any karate at all for two weeks straight. I was thinking that maybe I ought to just quit because every time I enter the dojo I feel really, really guilty. Unexplained guilt is a big depression symptom for me. I feel guilty about acting overly excited and happy, acting depressed, talking too much, not joining in conversations, and generally being alive. So feeling guilty isn’t abnormal, I just feel an extra surge when I enter the dojo.
Ironically, karate was the one thing I still enjoyed for awhile. Deep down inside, it is still one of my favorite things, which is why I probably won’t quit. In a perfect world, all I would ever do is karate, yoga, read, write, and take long walks by a cheerful brook listening to birdsong.
Karate hasn’t necessarily become less fun, it’s just that a lot of things get in the way of it really being worth it. I often don’t have the mental endurance to understand the spoken word, work with other people, and be coordinated all at the same time. Karate is all of that plus a workout at the end. You would think, “Really, how hard is it to just pay attention and follow instructions?” It’s pretty. darn. hard. My tired brain does not need that. It can barely follow a tv storyline. It wants a break.
Also, exercise and/or spending time with large amounts of people will sometimes trigger depressive episodes. Why risk it? It might be fun now, but do I really want to be holed up in my house for the next couple of days with nothing but YouTube and breakfast cereal to comfort me? No. I do not.
The final reason is the most embarrassing. It is the reason why I would be embarrassed by any of this at all. I have lost my confidence. It’s shot. I am pretty much convinced that everything I have to say is stupid. I feel self-conscious a lot, particularly when I am doing something physical. I don’t know why; it’s just the way it is. At this point, I have probably forgotten a ton of karate and am not in as good of shape as I was, so starting up again is going to be even more embarrassing. I will make so many stupid mistakes I won’t be able to show my face for another week. Maybe I’ll put it off a little longer…
And the fact that I would be that self-conscious and embarrassed by something like that makes me annoyed with myself. This in turn makes me self-pity, which makes me hate myself. Then I tell myself that I need to be nicer to myself, and if I’m not, it’s my own fault that I feel as bad as I do. This makes me cry. By the time I am through with all of this, I am totally worn out and have decided that I have bigger problems than whether I do karate or not.
I feel so much better now that I have written this out! I hadn’t been allowing myself to put my thoughts into words. I have no idea if it will make me able to do karate more often. It probably won’t. Whatever.
But I am going to keep telling myself that eventually I will be back to doing karate five times a week. That I will be making goals and actually keeping them. That I won’t have to flinch when someone asks me why I’m not taking class, because, well, I’ll be taking class. Those will be good days.
For now, I am going to focus on sleeping through a night.