Lazy Samurai

Here is a disclaimer before I even begin writing: I have not been sleeping well for the past two nights, and it is finally catching up with me. I have actually been feeling a lot better and my depression has improved, but right now I feel fairly awful and obsessive-compulsive and like I have developed ADD and a number of other mental disorders in one day (this is a feeling that I get from time to time).

Anyway, I feel totally guilty and paranoid and angry with myself. And I cannot stop thinking about karate. I have not done any karate at all for two weeks straight. I was thinking that maybe I ought to just quit because every time I enter the dojo I feel really, really guilty. Unexplained guilt is a big depression symptom for me. I feel guilty about acting overly excited and happy, acting depressed, talking too much, not joining in conversations, and generally being alive. So feeling guilty isn’t abnormal, I just feel an extra surge when I enter the dojo.

Ironically, karate was the one thing I still enjoyed for awhile. Deep down inside, it is still one of my favorite things, which is why I probably won’t quit. In a perfect world, all I would ever do is karate, yoga, read, write, and take long walks by a cheerful brook listening to birdsong.

Karate hasn’t necessarily become less fun, it’s just that a lot of things get in the way of it really being worth it. I often don’t have the mental endurance to understand the spoken word, work with other people, and be coordinated all at the same time. Karate is all of that plus a workout at the end. You would think, “Really, how hard is it to just pay attention and follow instructions?” It’s pretty. darn. hard. My tired brain does not need that. It can barely follow a tv storyline. It wants a break.

Also, exercise and/or spending time with large amounts of people will sometimes trigger depressive episodes. Why risk it? It might be fun now, but do I really want to be holed up in my house for the next couple of days with nothing but YouTube and breakfast cereal to comfort me? No. I do not.

The final reason is the most embarrassing. It is the reason why I would be embarrassed by any of this at all. I have lost my confidence. It’s shot. I am pretty much convinced that everything I have to say is stupid. I feel self-conscious a lot, particularly when I am doing something physical. I don’t know why; it’s just the way it is. At this point, I have probably forgotten a ton of karate and am not in as good of shape as I was, so starting up again is going to be even more embarrassing. I will make so many stupid mistakes I won’t be able to show my face for another week. Maybe I’ll put it off a little longer…

And the fact that I would be that self-conscious and embarrassed by something like that makes me annoyed with myself. This in turn makes me self-pity, which makes me hate myself. Then I tell myself that I need to be nicer to myself, and if I’m not, it’s my own fault that I feel as bad as I do. This makes me cry. By the time I am through with all of this, I am totally worn out and have decided that I have bigger problems than whether I do karate or not.

I feel so much better now that I have written this out! I hadn’t been allowing myself to put my thoughts into words. I have no idea if it will make me able to do karate more often. It probably won’t. Whatever.

But I am going to keep telling myself that eventually I will be back to doing karate five times a week. That I will be making goals and actually keeping them. That I won’t have to flinch when someone asks me why I’m not taking class, because, well, I’ll be taking class. Those will be good days.

For now, I am going to focus on sleeping through a night.

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Batman Beats Shakespeare

Last month I made two goals for my Shakespeare class. The first one is obvious: pass the class. The second was to lay low, be inconspicuous, and try not to be too memorable.

There are several reasons for this. The first is it makes the whole community college experience much more interesting. I can entertain myself by pretending that I am part of a witness protection program or live in a graveyard like Nobody Owens from The Graveyard Book.

Another reason is that, lately, I have been trying to lay low in general. That way I don’t have to have long conversations about how I have been doing, which might blow my cover. That could lead to people figuring out that I’m not normal, and that would be disastrous.

I started out pretty well at the beginning of this term. I have a corner seat that I like very much. From there I can count how many students show up (there are fewer with every class) and fall asleep if absolutely necessary. I just lean my head on the wall or drop it on the desk and (I think) no one can see me.

After I got my perfect seat, I refrained from correcting the teacher when she made historically inaccurate statements, and I didn’t point out that the actor playing King Richard II was David Tennant. Also, I didn’t tell anyone that I thought our teacher looked like a modern-day Queen Elizabeth.

She wears a little less jewelry

She wears a little less jewelry

All of my hard work was shattered on the day I totally lost track of time.

My watch, apparently, had stopped the day before at about 30 minutes after my class was supposed to start. I ran up the many flight of stairs from the Student Center to the hall my class was in. I got there red, out of breath, and completely early. Once of my classmates happened to be outside of the classroom sitting on the floor.

Hey! Has our class started yet?

I said pointing to the incorrect classroom.

Um, no. And our class is in this room.

Oh, good! I have time to fix my hair!

Once I got into the bathroom I realized what a mess I looked and what an odd impression I probably had just made. I decided to play it cool and go make sure that my fellow student thought I was normal.

Sooo, it’s two syllables right?

What?

Yeah, your name. Two syllables. It’s M- Meghan. Your name is Meghan! I’m Shahrazad in case you didn’t remember because of what an inconspicuous person I am.

Nailed it!

After Meghan backed away slowly into the classroom, it was all downhill from there. Queen Elizabeth started out the class by asking about Greek mythology, which is something I know quite a bit about.

My teacher has the habit of asking the class questions like, “What was the date of King James’ coronation” and “Who knows how many sea captains were in the Spanish Armada?” I think everyone was assuming that, once again, no one would answer her question when she asked, “Does anyone remember how Saturn got rid of his children so they wouldn’t usurp his throne?” Since I was still flustered from thinking I was late and I had sort of given up on the “normal” thing, I raised my hand.

He ate them!

Everyone turned around to look at the strange person they hadn’t noticed before who seemed to relish cannibalism. I then told the history of the gods and how Zeus chopped up Saturn (or as I like to call him, Kronos) and because of that Aphrodite was born in the ocean (gross). A lot of people were very confused and I didn’t blame them. But I was having too much fun giving the gory details.

Now I have embraced my abnormality and decided that, even if everyone thinks I am a freak, at least they think I am on their side. My most proud moment was when I single-handedly directed the discussion to Batman supervillains. Queen Elizabeth made the statement that many of Shakespeare’s villains are evil to the core and are only evil because they want to be. She then said that people don’t make characters like that anymore. I calmly disagreed that the Joker had no reason to be evil and he was for the pure fun of it. Elizabeth was about to disagree but about five Batman geeks jumped on the statement and compared just about every lunatic Arkham Asylum before they officially announced that the Joker has no sad back story that made him evil. I sat back and admired my handiwork.

Tomorrow is the midterm. I may have absolutely failed on my second goal, but hopefully not on the first. I was probably able to soak up the literature I was supposed to read. But I have a feeling that I was too busy writing jokes in the margins. At least I am having way more fun than I thought I would.

I wonder what my goals for the next term should be.

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Optimisticly Depressed

I only take one class total for my senior year of high school. I no longer have my nanny job. (Grandma can do the same thing only probably better, and she isn’t asking to get paid for it.) I don’t read much anymore, I sleep a ton, and I can barely think coherently. I let my parents know that they need to get a basement. In other words, I’m a loser.

Depression sucks on so many levels.

Not only am I a loser, but I cannot stop my brain for beating myself up about it. I feel guilty about things that are by not my fault. I over think everything and find a negative meaning to most remarks. My communication skills have gone down so low that “sucks” is the best word I can think of to describe most things in my life.

Recently, I was basically told to stay positive, do things I enjoy, and do lots of smiling. Once I complete all of these things, I will get better. Sure, that might help a person who is down in the dumps, but I have clinical depression. No amount of brain power is going to cure me. After brooding way too long about this conversation, I have decided to prove that I am the most optimistic depressed person anyone will meet. Note that this doesn’t necessarily mean I feel positive while I am an optimistic depressed person. It’s complicated.

The best things that I have discovered because of my depression are:

Doctor Who

She-Hulk

The Doctor

21 Pilots

Donna Noble

Jeeves and Wooster

Whovian humor

An appreciation for Taylor Swift

All things sonic

Meaghan Trainor

Did I mention all things Doctor Who?

Texts from Superheroes

Police Boxes!

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Tardis time lord yeah

I just finished staring at that gif. I am almost sick of David Tennant’s face. Ha! Just kidding! (The tenth doctor is the farthest I’ve gotten so far; in case you haven’t noticed.)

Anyway, I have also learned many (dare I say it?) more meaningful things. Depression has taught me to be much more empathetic of other people. I now know what it feels like to be stricken with grief, completely insecure, and an absolute idiot, sometimes at the same time. I have a much better grasp of how to comfort a large range of human emotions.

I have learned that nothing is as it seems. Most of the people I meet on a day to day basis have no idea that anything is wrong with me (other than being a bit loser-ish.) Every time someone asks me how I’m doing, my gut reaction is to say “fine.” Fakers gonna fake.

shake it off

Darn it. Now I’ve got that song stuck in my head.

Now I am aware of how not fine other people could possibly be. I have a desire to look beneath the surface and get to know people for real.

I used to care so much about what other people think about me. I spent so much time keeping up the image of being a smart, capable, socially correct young lady. I used to think myself above such things as pop music and fandoms. Now I can barely keep up the image of seeming sane, let alone well adjusted. A lot of people don’t even believe in depression, or they just have a really poor view of mental illnesses. What am I going to do? Be miserable dealing with my problems while worrying about how the world perceives those problems?

Yeah, that probably is what I’m going to do.

But I am learning, and I am changing for the better. I can honestly laugh at and enjoy things that my old silly self would have scorned. My new silly self isn’t perfect, but I am so looking forward to when I am better. Then I will be positive and optimism won’t be a struggle. I will have the mindset of a happy-go-lucky child and the wisdom of someone who has suffered many trials in life.

And I am going to be so much freaking fun.

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Friday Fictioneers: Pavement Kingdom

I think I have writer’s block. There is a post sitting in my mind, but I can’t get it into writing. Because I can’t seem to write what I want to write about, I will write about something else. (Ouch. Those are some pretty painful sentences.) I have once again received another Friday Fictioneers writing prompt. Let’s see if I can manage a 100 word story, and maybe tomorrow I will be able to actually write. Coherently. Yeah. That’s what I mean.

ff dining roomMy second attempt at a cake is on the pavement. I tossed it into the swamp the first one had made. Number 2 would have been beautiful if I had pulled it out of the oven a few minutes before. Now it is an ebony castle. Number 1 had too much or too little of something. Either way, it makes a formidable moat.

I glance around at my mess of a kitchen. Nothing looks even remotely edible. In fact, that charred chicken looks like a draw bridge.

Now the pavement is a kingdom of carrot-spires and cookie-citizens. I, the emperor, feast on takeout.

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My Best Birthday Ever

Yesterday I turned 18. I am now a legal adult with all of the joys of adulthood. I can vote, get married, join the army, smoke cigarettes, and serve (but not drink) alcohol. According to chick flick trailers, I should have had an outrages party that went late into the night, celebrated with a million friends.

My birthday was a little different from that.

I woke up not feeling super great, just a little down in the dumps. I wasn’t too worried. I have gotten pretty good at working myself out of funks. My whole family and I went out to breakfast and got one my all time favorite foods: ocean rolls. At that point I knew that I was a little worse than down in the dumps. Just walk it off, I thought while staring at a blank wall in the bathroom. We went to a marvelous place where we painted pottery. I spent a little bit too much time, well, not doing anything at all. Still, it was fun and I can’t wait to see the end result of my mug.

Then we came home for lunch. I so did not want to eat.

Instead, I lied down on the floor and started crying. Then I went upstairs and got myself to stop. Then I came downstairs and started crying again. I could not stop.

Lately, I have had a series of fairly good days. My emotions have been decently level, and I actually got out of the house and enjoyed myself with friends, did karate, and babysat.

And then I completely lost it on my birthday.

I felt so torn up with grief. I imagine that I would feel the way I did if my mother died and my house burned down on the same day. There was absolutely no way I was going to recover any time soon. As I sat on the floor in a complete mess, I prayed to God. My main prayer was,

“Jesus, thank you so much that I was born today.”

Somehow in the midst of my most awful depression episodes, I overwhelmingly feel that God is a good God. He loves me and everyone else in the whole world so much, it must hurt him. I feel closest to God at the times I am drowning in sadness because I know that we are mourning together. He cries because the world and the beautiful people he created hurt and destroy. I cry because I feel hurt and destroyed. And the only thing I can do is pray for the planet I live on.

I prayed for everyone else who had a birthday yesterday; I asked that they would bless earth. I prayed that everyone who was depressed that day would find comfort in God, as I had. I prayed for my church and my dojo and my friends and my family.

Eventually, I was able to pull myself together and get on with my birthday. Everything was spectacular. My gifts, my brownies (with peppermint ice cream), and my family, who really know how to have a party. As I went to bed last night, I tried to figure out if this was the worst birthday I have ever had.

I’m not quite sure.

I will say that it was like no other birthday I have ever had. I never truly enjoyed myself but something else happened that may have been better than having fun. The God of the universe came to my party. As we sat weeping together he told me that these past eighteen years of my life have not been a waste. Even better, he told me that we were going to do incredible things together.

This past year I have felt like a ghost among living people. Others change with time and look to the future and remember the past. I just am. I could hardly care less what happens to me in the future and my memory has been a bit fuzzy. But now I clearly know that I am alive and that I matter. I have purpose because God has appointed me to do who-knows-what. That is the greatest gift I got this year.

So I guess yesterday was my best birthday ever.

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Friday Fictioneers: Unthink

Originally this was supposed to be a book blog. I have gotten kind of sidetracked. And I’m not about to go back just yet.

You see, I have gotten very fond of writing. Last week I was overflowing with ideas, but now I am running a bit dry. To solve this problem, I am trying out Friday Fictioneers.

I have never done this before, and I am most likely doing everything completely wrong. From what I gather, I am supposed to write a 100 word story about a weekly photo prompt. I should comment on other people’s stories and hope they comment on mine. I don’t know how consistently I am going to do this.

Anyway, without further ado, here is my first Friday Fictioneers story:begin-the-route

This place is dirtied by people who think stickers look good on street signs. They drive cars and smog up the air.

Unthink, rethink, thinkthink. That has a nice rhythm to it, like a street sweeper or the way Julia clicks her heels.

Unthink. Hear the rhythm of this place.

Rethink. People like Julia use their smog machines to see the world and see the people in it. The street sweeper does his little bit to clean up after all his brothers and sisters: other people.

Thinkthink. What am I doing? Complaining? Aren’t I person too? Dirtying up and cleaning up, same as everybody else?

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MaD aS a HaTtEr

I hate visiting my psychiatrist.

She speaks with a calm, quiet, sweet voice. Her office has tons of comfortable couches and a very interesting picture of the Cheshire Cat. And I just. can’t. stand. it.

She asks me calmly and without emotion,

Have you had any thoughts of suicide?

And then I say in an irritated voice,

Uh, no.

And then I feel guilty that I would be irritated with someone who is trying to help me.

Then she says,

That’s good, very good. Have you been cutting?

I have not

I say in a much more calm and well-meaning voice.

But then I feel irritated again because she is really not taking this seriously, is she? What if I just screamed,

I have become an evil sorceress who regularly practices witch craft, and I have cursed everyone near me so that they all pity me even as I suck their life force! Bwahahahaha!

She would probably just say,

Oh, that is very interesting. Now we have a certain medication that can help you with that…

Then I realize that she is human too, and she is just doing her job. But really she should be able to take this more seriously. I have been miserable for far too long, and she just keeps recommending things that don’t seem to be helping. And then I feel like crying because I start to pity myself, and then I realize that my curse is out of control and it is not just on other people; it is now seeping into me. And then I get kind of scared and a little ashamed of myself. Especially since I am almost a legal adult and I still want my mother to come to the doctor with me. At this point I realize that I have not listened to a word my psychiatrist has said and Iamaninsanepersonwhoshouldnotbeallowedonthestreets and whereohwherehasmybraingone and IamnotactuallyawitchandIdon’twanttobe IjustwanttobenormalandnotbethinkingwierdthingsandIprobablyshouldfindhelpforaconditionlikethis and

Oh, thank God! I’m at a psychiatrist’s office.

Don’t worry guys, I’m back to normal now. I had to laugh hysterically on the floor and then do some yoga, but I can now more or less think straight. I don’t hate my psychiatrist.

I have said before that I love Alice in Wonderland. Now I feel more and more like Alice. And Wonderland is my own brain. I have a logical, sensible me that thinks things through and, curiouser and curiouser, enjoys thinking. That’s Alice. And then there is another part of my brain that likes to panic and get angry and cry and cry and cry. Alice tries to comfort it and says, “There, there. It will be alright,” in a bewildered sort of manner. I have always found psychology interesting. I am my own most fascinating study.

Alice in Wonderland is so loved because deep down we all know that we are all mad. No one understands why the world works the way it does. We have no idea why we exist. We are constantly doing insane things that we regret years later (or moments afterwards). Even (seemingly) really normal people are crazy. If you are not made crazy by being alive, then you are mad in a totally different way than most people are.

But if we are all mad, what is our standard for normal? I haven’t the foggiest. Maybe I’ll figure it out later.

After my psychiatrist prescribes something new.

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